The Greatest Contest

You were offered a way out.  You were warned.  I told you I’d return, surfing on a wave of angels, swinging the Hammer of God and riding a chariot drawn by a hundred feral supermodels.  And I have come, to sit in judgment of the living, and to hand down my divine authority to tell you which.

WHICH ENTRIES RECEIVE THE COVETED ARCs OF BLACK HALO

ROUND ONE: ONE GOOD REASON

I got a lot of submissions, actually, and I am so pleased that everyone chipped in with their adoration.  Let’s have a look through some of my favorites, non?

Travis writes…

I am the most deservingest of this holy-ier than though ARC fest that is ”Black Halo”. The undying love that I feel for it brings me warmth to my soul and a longing that I cannot bare much longer. I must know that it is mine!! My heart is pure sir and yours is significantly more so with this kind offering. And if I don’t win… I will punch YOU in the butt!

Ah, yes.  Passion.  Vigor.  Threats.  This is surely a good one.  But is it as good as…

Tyner?!

Brother Sam,

The following are all reasons you should send me the ARC.

1.  I dispense handy advice on Crazy Women, as I’ve dealt with more than my fair share.

2.  I can bench press you.

3.  You never read my damned book, so you owe me! Dammit!  ARRGGHH!

An appeal to guilt?!  How devious!  Also, it’s not a bad method, since Tyner is actually a good friend of mine and a hugely talented writer (if he had a website, I would cram it down your throats that you might choke on it and weep bitter tears for the love that you can never know from his bosom).

Kerwin writes…

i should get this ARC because i am a Capricorn, and really, what else needs to be said?

Unfortunately, I am a Taurus and thus am too stubborn to yield my precious ARC to a filthy, philandering Capricorn…or, wait, am I a Virgo now…or some shit?

And a very special message from Griffin…

You owe this to me. I am special. Not short bus special, but special in that I am entitled to your ARC.

Why, you might ask?

Because I said so. The non-short bus special have no need to explain themselves to others, certainly not to those who owe them everything. We don’t pay our fair share, ever, and expect you to cover for us. Why should this silly ’contest’ be any different, really?

Send it to me, or I will use my specialness to whine about your complete refusal to recognize how important my special-ness is. Soon after, you will have a great many un-special moments suffering the slings and arrows of people who think they’re special and that they know best for the genre you write in.

If, however, you decide to acknowledge my special with an ARC, I will deign to slobber upon your name, heaping my special praise on your goody-goody goodness and, dare I say it, super specialness. Non-short-bus-super-specialness.

Ultimately, since none of you sent in naked pictures of yourselves to make this easiest, the winning entry was chosen with…

I recently looked up your website hoping to come across some information on when your next book would be released and I saw something that made my heart skip a beat, FREE ARCs!   As I do not have a camera that can upload pictures to my computer, or a scanner to showcase my lack of drawing talent, I must resort to listing why I deserve to have advanced access to a book that I have been eagerly awaiting.

1:  The first book was awesome.

2:  With the latest Dresden Files books’ release date being pushed back to late July I will need something      to read in early spring.

3:  I am no longer able to get ARCs from my local library.

4:  I want it.

5:  I donated a kidney and all I got for it was a lousy t-shirt and six weeks of pain.

6:  I am running out of books to read.

7:  You’ve made me want to play D&D.

8:  I have no job and can’t afford anything other than free entertainment.

9:  I will post gratuitous praise about it wherever you choose.

10: I lent my copy of your first book out to three friends and two of them bought their own copy.  So that $50 in your wallet is from me in a way, buy yourself something nice, you deserve it.

Sir, you have touched me in a tender area and given me money.  While you make me feel like a whore, the ARC is yours.

SILENCE.

It is time…

ROUND TWO: MAKE THIS FACE

I had THREE entries for this.  Let us behold…BRYAN.

Not bad.  Not bad at all.

Does Jared challenge this?

Not bad!  Not bad at all!  I think we have a…wait…wait, what is this?  What is that on the horizon?  Is that…

…mother of God.

SUCCESS TO YOU, SIR.

FINAL ROUND: DRAW THIS DOG

This one was difficult.  Very difficult, yes.  Also, very troubling, in that it made me betray the one vow I swore I never would: to give away four ARCs instead of three.

Yes, I was going to keep one for myself, but I think once you see these, you’ll understand why that must change.  The first entries were good.

Olivia sent in this artsy piece…

Indeed?  The best?  Rene begs to differ…

This would be a pretty awesome contender…save that Rene actually works for PYR, MY PUBLISHER, HOW DARE YOU PROFANE THIS SACRED WEBSITE WITH YOUR HEATHENRY!  OUT, OUT!

That leaves it to my two favorite entries, the ones that made me give up my extra ARC because they were both far too good to go unrewarded.  Because…because…well, just look.

Amazing.

Simply amazing.

Look at the use of lines.  The contours, the colors.  Note how the eyes really reflect my power over pugs and my relentless thirst for compliments.  Yes, this is an excellent piece, to be better complimented by…

Yes!  Yes!  A thousand times yes!  How does such artistry remain on the mortal plane?  How does God look upon this and not keep from weeping Himself?  How is there not a museum dedicated to this?

Congratulations to both of you.  You are both awarded ARCs.  I hope you choke on them.

And to you all: thank you for participating.  Thank you for your courage and your conviction.  I’ll be running another giveaway with my Gollancz ARCs, so please stay tuned!

Love.

Peace.

Sykes.