My friends.
There comes a time in our lives, a time when you really can’t think of a better opening than that same “there comes a time” line that has been used for basically every shitty movie that has come out in the past five years but it’s still kind of a cool thing and you’ve just spent the past two hours editing and you can’t figure out what exactly you were supposed to be talking about in the first place…
And that time is now.
As of today, Tome of the Undergates is in stock and available to be ordered from Amazon.com (where did that link come from? Gosh, that’s convenient. Almost like an omen of some sort sent from a God that would not take kindly if we ignored it and did not buy as the opportunity presented itself!) Yes, you can buy Tome of the Undergates right the fuck now from Amazon if you so wished!
…or you could wait until DragonCon and buy some from the Pyr Booth (signed!) at the beginning of September!
…or you could wait until September 17th hit and buy them in any bookstore that is cool enough to have such a fancy-pants book available!
OR YOU COULD INCUR MY WRATH AND NOT GET ONE AT ALL.
But, here is a list of people who have never read Tome of the Undergates:
- Adolf Hitler
- Osama Bin Laden
- Joseph Stalin
- Hayden Christensen
Do you want to join the ranks of the damned? No? Then I suspect you better read one today!
That said, since the book is available now, I guess we could have timed the ARC Giveaway Contest better, but…man, you know how it is.
We had a lot of cool entries, I’m pleased to say. Who could really choose amongst such great entries as…
How about you open the contest to Australians or I’ll swim to the US and shove your ARC so far up your fat American arse you’ll be spewing quotes for weeks.
Nice use of threats.
If it were not for me, you would not have been able to meet James Owen, and thus would never have met Felicia Day.
And that was my favorite encounter with Felicia Day…
One good reason? Can I give you two good reasons? Or one really bad reason? Or three and a half morally ambiguous reasons?
How about, “because if you don’t give it to me, I will call your dear old grandmother and tell her what you’ve been up to, young man”?
But her poor old heart can’t take it!
I teased it on Twitter, but understand that if I don’t get the ARC that I intend, once my summer school instructional obligations are done, to buy a six pack of Depends and jump in my mom’s car: a 1985 Chevy Astro Van with no air conditioning and a radio that can only tune into evangelical, fire-and-brimstone stations, and drive to Arizona all crazy astronaut like. I intend to then follow you around the whole month of August and pelt you relentlessly with eggs, that will be stored in the back of my mom’s Astro van. I am that bat shit crazy, Band Dork!
Wait a minute…
Listen you insane bastard, I would love a copy of the TOME OF THE UNDERGATES because if its nearly as insane as you are, it will be entertaining as hell and that is what books are for. Also, if you give it to me for free, then I won’t have to spend any of my own money on it, which works out really well for me. So those are my reasons. If you don’t like them, tough nooky. I’ll just go out and buy the damn book whenever I want, so its not like you’re the boss of me or anything. Thanks so much for your consideration. Have a nice day. Sara
Now just hold on!
These were all awesome entries, but as I mentioned before, I wouldn’t be judging them. People know too easily what I consider to be a good reason for having an ARC and I wanted this to be fair, so I asked three celebrity judges to pick their favorites…and here they are!
Sarah Pinborough chooses…
Mr. Sykes, I can give you one reason that I should receive an ARC of your upcoming debut and it is this: I have too much time on my hands. You may be saying, ”How is that my problem?” Well here’s the thing bucko, people are constantly approaching me and trying to get me involved in murder-for-hire schemes*. Sometimes they want me to kill you and sometimes they want me to frame you for the murder of George Takei. Up till now, I have begged off saying, ”No, no, I am morally against murder and I am way too busy to get involved in your shenanigans.” However, I have recently found my schedule to be wide open. This means that the only thing stopping me from saying ”Yes. Yes. Gods yes!” is my moral aversion to murder.
How long do you think that is going to protect you?
I appreciate your consideration and request that you let me know if I won so that I can plan my evenings accordingly.
*Note: I have only been approached by William Shatner and I am pretty sure he was kidding most of those times.
Her reasoning?
I’m going with Justin ritter – simply because he mentions William Shatner…and murder…;-) x
Joe Abercrombie chooses…
Two good reasons for you.
1) I’ve never had and ARC or a signed copy of a book so you fulfill two deeply held dreams of mine at once.
2) I’ll send you a picture of my boobies.
OK, no I won’t.
That’s an underhanded request, unworthy of us both. However, I am know to be rather underhanded at times.
So maybe I will.
Send me the ARC and find out.
His twisted logic?
I definitely would have picked Addy, except I’m not sure the booby picture would ever appear, and if it did it would be sent to you, not me.
And, in true Newtonian Style, Mark Newton picked one Jackie Kay, whose entry was so epic it requires its own post!
And that’s it! Thanks for the entries, people! If yours was chosen, please email me your address so I can ship one to you right away! And watch this space for more giveaways when BLACK HALO reaches the ARC phase!
Thanks again!