Fools and Money

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When I was a young man in high school, I wore almost exclusively dirty jeans, dirty shoes and a dirty shirt under another dirty shirt.

It was the sort of fashion statement that would make Gail Carriger stare endlessly into nothingness, possessed of such depth that, were you to look into her eyes, you would see a mind desperately trying to find a reason to still consider this world worth living in and failing badly.

Now, I can’t say what made me dress this way.  Maybe it was because I was trying to hide how heavy I was.  Maybe I wanted to be left alone.  Maybe I just spent more money on video games than clothes.  All these are technically true.  But I have now lost about 75 pounds.  I enjoy making fashion a part of my repertoire.  And though I still spend far too much money on video games, I also have enough that I can spend far too much on clothes, as well, thus solidifying my total lack of conscience for anything non-material.

One of the best parts of being a writer is that you can wear essentially anything you want and not be called out for it.  A lot of my shirts come from threadless.com.  When asked why I wear have an entire subset of my closet devoted to garments with penguins on it, I can say “I’m a writer” and people say “ah.”  I’ve recently developed a fondness for obnoxious shoes.  When people ask me who I think I am that I can wear purple sneakers to a wedding, I can say “I do creative things for a living,” and then I splash a merry jig in the pool of tears left by the weeping bride as I destroy her most precious day.

Such flamboyancy and total disregard for anyone else has driven me to purchase the following:

I’m not sure if, in my wild praise of webcomics, I’ve ever told you about my deep, undying love for The Gun Show by KC Green (warning: strips frequently NSFW), but he’s the kind of man that’s hard to praise.  Because reading his comic is a lot like watching one of those movies where a crazy genius scratches formulae upon the walls in feces and you think he’s totally nuts but you punch a baby or something and the judge assigns you to community service and you have to watch the old guy as he makes poo poo formulas and then you realize he’s actually super crazy, but also pretty smart and you’re like “woah” and he’s like “yeah i know totally but now i’m dead because this movie is poignant.”

Anyway, that’s about it.

KC Green is the kind of man that’s made me realize I don’t like Tim Allen.

I didn’t like him when he was an angry suburban husband desperately trying to scale the tower of mediocrity that was the 90s sitcom, upon the top of which sat firmly ensconced Bob Saget, who later actually turned out to be kind of funny.  And I don’t like him now that my most recent memory of him is a shitty sitcom which revolves around the joke “women are crazy and men are dumb.”  I don’t like him enough to buy a bracelet stating that I don’t like him.

And because I have, then maybe this world is good again.  Maybe Gail Carriger can go back to living her life, riding swan boats across the lake, oared by a genteel octopus.

Maybe.

This bracelet cost $20.  I bought a bracelet that said “Fuck You Tim Allen” for $20.

I can do these things because I cannot be questioned.

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Where I’ve Been

So, you’ll note I’ve been absent for a bit.

There’s not a tremendous amount of excuse to it save for the fact that, surprisingly, getting a book ready to go into print can be pretty difficult stuff.  Hence, these past few weeks have been putting the finishing touches on The Skybound Sea.  And, as such, I’ve detailed the editing process below.

STEP ONE: FINISHING THE BOOK

This is where the real editing gets started.  Your relief at finishing the book is immediately counteracted by the certainty that you have just written seven hundred pages of complete nonsense.  This is confirmed as you peruse through it, turning each error and clumsy sentence into a scourge with which to flagellate yourself.  Your beta readers tell you it’s great, your sentences hold up under scrutiny and your editor likes it, but you know it’s bad.

You…you just know.

STEP TWO: LINE EDITING

Your editor chokes back the bile you’re certain he feels for you (even though he keeps buying you drinks and telling you you’re awesome) and sets to work finding the most glaring errors and telling you what works and what doesn’t.  And even though he says it’s all really good and doesn’t give you a lot of notes, you know that’s because it’s so horrible he actually went blind halfway through and didn’t want to impose upon you.  Never mind that he’s got awards for editing and actually knows a good story when he sees one and that publishing a terrible story would be very bad for his business.  He’s just too nice to tell you how bad it all is.

STEP THREE: COPY EDITING

The copy-editor is a person who is around to remind you that you once wrote a sentence that read: “He smelled all of her smells and felt himself a blood.”  She will mention this, maybe once, and then you will never forget it.  Of course, weird sentences come to everyone, especially when you work late at night, and even though you know what you meant and can correct it instantaneously, you know in your heart of hearts that this sentence is your subconscious returning to torment you.

STEP FOUR: GALLEY EDITING

Galley editing is your last chance to change anything in the manuscript.  It comes after three rounds of editing and you can make only minimal changes.  This is roughly the point when you want to change everything.

STEP FIVE: THE AFTERMATH

Everything is set as well as it could be.  You calm down, have a drink, maybe take a day to reflect on what’s gone on thus far, and realize that your self-criticism is actually your quality survival instinct.  In the same way that we possess suspicion and wariness of strangers as a matter of instinct, your senses as an author will scrutinize and analyze everything you’ve done.  And since you’ve begun from a position of passion, energy and strength in writing this, sniffing out weaknesses and finding out what experiments didn’t work is the logical path to improving as a writer.  You quietly accept that what you wrote initially is the product of hundreds of mistakes you’ve made before and, after three books, you’re actually pretty good at what you do and the next book will be even better because of it.

And then you put your drink down, open up a new document, and begin writing something you’re going to hate a year later.

In all seriousness, we have just finished the final pass on The Skybound Sea, with the help of our very good reviewer, Mariel Bard.  It’s taken some time, but we finally did it.

In contest-related news, I’ll be announcing the winners of the writing-portion later this week.

IF YOU ARE AN ARTIST, PLEASE CONSIDER DOING AN ENTRY FOR THE CONTEST.  We’ve gotten a few, but I must have more.  The ones that have come in thus far are really neat, but I really hope I have more to show off.  And thus, I hope that you’ll consider submitting a piece of work.  A few people have asked for an extension, so I’m pushing the deadline back to mid-end July.  Hope to see your entries soon!

Thanks!  And have yourselves a nice day!

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The Authoritarian Society

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Before I go any further, let me take the time to remind you that we’re about at the halfway mark on The Skybound Sea ARC Giveaway!  Please feel free to enter, if you haven’t already!  Also, if you’re a reviewer or blogger in the US and haven’t yet received an ARC, please let me know so we can get one into your hands!

Now, then…

I often feel as though there are a multitude of ways to possess a professional relationship with someone.  And while I never count myself as in a professional relationship with anyone without counting them first and foremost as a friend, I admit that when it comes to someone as awesome as N.K. Jemisin, I often feel that my chief role is as a buzzard on the savannah, swirling about a mighty impala she has brought low and swooping down to nab pieces of stringy red meat in my beak and fleeing before she can finish rending its flesh between her jaws.

That metaphor is just weird enough to warrant further explanation, and I hope to do so by piggybacking off her post on Magic Systems and why we sometimes misuse them.

See, “magic system” is one of those of pairings of words that makes my eyes involuntarily glaze over, along with “feast scenes,” “poetry interludes” and “training montage.”  To me, “it has a great magic system” is one of those left-handed compliments you give someone when you’re trying to keep their interest without directly answering their question.  It’s like when you’re asking how much gas mileage a car gets and the salesman points you to the roomy trunk instead.

“So, is the story any good?”

“Well, let me tell you, it has one of the most in-depth magic systems I have ever seen.”

Now, I know that’s not entirely fair.  A well-thought-out magic system does not necessarily suggest that the rest of the story is subpar.  It’s perfectly possible to have a compelling story, interesting characters and an interesting magic system in the same book and there are several examples of this.  Magic systems, on their own, don’t harm a story.

On their own.

But I can’t help but accredit magic systems with being a symptom of a problem that faces us as fantasy writers, and that is the obsession with rules.  And as any writer will tell you, following the rules in writing is a very easy way to turn a good story into a bad one.

Now, this obsession with rules came from good intentions, as did the obsession with homage and influence and the recent obsession with grimdark: people wanted to be taken seriously.  In a way, fantasy’s entire quest (often misguided) has been to be taken seriously by mainstream fiction.  To that end, we created a bunch of rules and systems to govern our lands so that we couldn’t just bust out a flight spell to get ourselves out of pits we fell into, literally and metaphorically.

Ultimately, this is a good thing.  It’s always been a mainstay of fantasy that magic used recklessly has a price that must be paid.  And in the case of using recklessly in fantasy fiction, the goat that must be slain is tension.  It’s hard to feel a sense of danger for characters if we know they can cast a Flight spell to get themselves out of pits.  It’s difficult to believe that there’s anything that can challenge a character if they all have Swords of Doomenheisers (of the New Jersey Doomenheisers).  It’s hard to take things seriously if, at any moment, someone can just bust out a laser beam and fry their enemy into ash.

As conflict is the soul of character, so is tension the blood of conflict.  We need that tension to keep invested in the conflict.  We need to not be sure if the hero can pull this one off, if he can survive this blow, if he can come back from this defeat.  Even if we’re pretty sure he ultimately can, tension is what keeps us reading to find out just how he’s going to do it.

And when he can just make up the rules as he goes along, then there’s no point in reading, since every conflict has new rules and thus there’s no way for us to get invested.  Magic systems, rules in general, go a long way toward addressing this.

But only to a point.  A very fine point.  Put at the end of a sentence that reads “THAT WAS A GOOD RULE YOU MADE AND IT IS FINE TO STOP HERE.”

Because when you don’t stop there, rules become…well, something more.

At its absolute best, a rule isn’t even totally immutable.  It’s a suggestion of consistency, a generally-accepted pattern of behavior that we can usually assume will be followed.  This serves to illustrate and lend weight to the moments when that rule is broken or otherwise defied.

As a caveat, though, I urge you to consider this rule from Pixar’s 22 Rules for Story (which is quickly becoming my favorite thing on the internet): coincidences to get characters into trouble are great, coincidences to get them out of trouble is cheating.  As rules are made to be broken, so are broken rules meant to be punished.  Consequence needs to happen.

And magic systems work great when they’re in the background as generally accepted schools of thought that prevent us from just leaping straight to flying out of pits (even if it is a possibility later).  I treated my magic system much the same: something hard, but not immutable, that was used mostly to further the characters of Dreadaeleon and Bralston.

At its commonplace worst, rules become immutable.  Rules are stringent, unbreakable and never defied.  Rules never change, nothing ever happens to contradict the rules.  There is no consequence for breaking rules because it never even occurs to anyone to break them.

The problem with this is the same problem that comes from having no rules at all: the tension is absolutely shattered.  We can assume that, so long as the rules are followed, everything will work out in the way it’s supposed to.  Things become inexorably tiresome as every opportunity to defy the rules is smacked down, repressed or outright ignored.  We already know how things are going to happen because we have a set of rules that cannot be defied.

Typical offenders are epic fantasy stories where characters are robbed of humanity and will to fulfill an obligation to the story.  Where magic systems and worldbuilding are more important than individual drive or desire and character motivations fit the plot exactly to best tell how the Dark Lord was defeated.

When rules become absolutely intolerable, however, is when they begin to govern humanity.

This is where we see the most egregious examples.  We begin to see things like Fantastic Racism (all orcs are evil all the time, no exceptions).  We begin to see human psychology presented as a simple, immutable thing.  We see our characters stagnate, fall back, regress and rarely change.

Typical offenders are grimdark settings who occasionally fall in love with their own grit.  These are settings where characters are suppressed to usually serve a mood or theme.  When they experience desires, they will usually be of the negative sort.  When they change, it will rarely be for the better.  This often becomes just as tiresome because it always moves in the same direction.

I often feel like a buzzard when it comes to these sorts of discussions we have because, far too often, I feel like I’m constantly squawking.  I illustrate the problem well enough and then rarely spend as much time on solutions.

And truth be told, that’s kind of unavoidable.  One of the best/worst things about writing is that there’s plenty of ways to identify a problem and no clear cut method of identifying a solution.  Just as there’s no roadmap to succeeding as an author, there’s no easy way to say which rules you need to enforce and which rules you need to relax on.

But in providing identity to the problems, I hope that some people will learn a lesson that I learned way too late for my liking.  Like many, I was obsessed with rules.  I thought there was a hard and fast way things needed to be at all times, I was stringently unwilling to budge on these things and it’s apparent in a few instances of Tome of the Undergates.

It will haunt me to my dying day, I am sure.

Lest I begin to ramble, though, keep in mind that, as all rules are meant to be broken, everything I say here is also up for interpretation.  Some people do everything I advise against and still pull it off.  Some people do everything I recommend and still manage to create a poor story.  All I can do is advise you to invest in your characters more than your world, invest in their psychology more than your rules, invest in their rebellion more than their obedience and you will rarely be disappointed.

Kind of useless advice, isn’t it?

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Embrace Me, As a Dude

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First things first!  I’ve gotten tons of submissions for the first part of The Skybound Sea ARC Giveaway Contest!  But I need more art!  I need more faces!  The field is prime to compete, with only one or two entries so far!

I hope I get some anyway, or I’ll probably cry.

And while I’m busy shoving links in your face that you probably didn’t want to read, I’ll go ahead and put this transcript of my chat with SFF Writer Chat on twitter right here.  Right here in your face.  Picture me taking this link in my hands, my sweaty little palms, and rubbing its against your cheeks.  Inhale its aroma.  Feel its thousand prickly kisses upon your flesh.

If you don’t read that, I probably won’t cry.  It’s full of lovely information, of course, about me and what I do and who I am as a person and a writer, but you probably don’t care about that, do you.  Still, it’s a fairly average interview until you read and get to the point of what kind of romantic elements I’ve got in my books.

And then things get interesting.

I sometimes think that an unfortunate part of writing genre fiction is choosing which cynics to appease.  There are people who won’t read one book because it has elves, people who won’t read another book because it has elves that it doesn’t call elves but you know they’re elves so why not call them elves, there are people who won’t read another book because it’s not like George R.R. Martin enough, there are people who won’t read another book because it’s too much like George R.R. Martin, there are people who just don’t like to read outside their comfort zones, period, and those zones frequently extend to a few concepts written by a few authors and no further.

And that’s a shame.

Because I think romance is one of those elements that’s gotten swept aside, out of the purview of epic fantasy and into the realm of urban fantasy…or romantic fantasy…or anything written by a woman.

If you’ll read that transcript, you’ll note that Bryan Thomas Schmidt brings up the idea of the romance in The Aeons’ Gate trilogy as being “male-centric.”  Curious about that categorization, I asked Bryan about it earlier today.  I wasn’t upset, of course, merely interested in why he came up with that particular way to describe it.  He went on to explain that he thought the romance was less “sappy” and more “gritty.”  Ultimately, he agreed that these are not inherently and exclusively male traits, but I think it’s fair and unfortunate (unfairtunate) to say that, as a general rule, “romance” and “epic fantasy” are generally considered to be like Lucy and Desi’s bedroom: they can make eyes and talk to each other, sure, but they sure as shit better not get into the same bed.

And maybe we, as readers, are a little to blame for things coming the way they are.

Personally, I didn’t write the romantic elements of The Aeons’ Gate to be male-centric, nor did I really intend for them to be exceedingly gritty or sappy.  An author’s sole obligation, and what he or she can’t help, is to present life as he or she sees it.  When it came to romance, I did just this.  And to me, romance is not something neat and tidy.  It’s harsh, it’s disagreeable, it doesn’t always make sense (in fact, it frequently doesn’t, hence why I often find myself in love with small, angry women when my ideal match is a towering sasquatch).

It is difficult.  The stakes are tremendous.  Killing requires hatred and hatred is based on taking.  The worse you can do is wind up with the same you had before.  Love, though, requires giving.  And failure to find it means you have lost something dear and precious and are much smaller than you were.

Summarily, all story is conflict.  All characters are defined by their conflicts.  And there is no greater conflict than romance.

And to be honest?  It’s worked out very well for me.  Some of the most ardent followers of the romance between Lenk and Kataria are men.  Beer-swilling, football-watching, hooting dudes who desperately hope that these two emotionally damaged kids find love.  And the vast majority of Kataria’s fans, angry and irritable shict that she is, are women.

I suspect that when Bryan, when he suggested that most romance was “female-centric” (inadvertently, mind you.  I don’t want to appear as though I’m putting words in his mouth), he was sharing a view that I think a lot of us have that’s been shaped, forged and tempered in the novels of today.

There are a startling number of “clean” romances.  The vampire is in love with you and only you, because you’re so special.  The awkward flirtation around the lawyer only gets better.  The weird guy in the suit has nothing else going on and his only desire is to tie up the inexperienced young lady and fondle her.  To me, these ring false.

I’m not saying they are false, mind you, to me, they ring hollow (this likely explains why I am still single) and thus, I don’t write that romance because I’ve never seen romance as being quite that clean.

And I wonder…do others?  Do you?

To me, I’ve seen an evolution of fantasy in which emphasis begins to swing back to conflict.  The heroes aren’t always perfect, the villains aren’t always horrible, the problems aren’t always solved by throwing a ring into fire and the world is often a big, fat, ugly, messy, plorbly schmorbly piece of what-what.  And to me, a conflicted romance is just the evolution of that.

But I note that romantic elements are a pretty rare thing in fantasy.  Given our current obsession with grimdark, a lot of the relationships tend to go no further than poorly written sex scenes.  And when they do go further, they’re often as clean: the farmgirl falls in love with the hero because the hero needs a girlfriend, the princess falls in love with the prince because what else is she going to do, the otherworldly angelic fey queen isn’t doing a lot today–sure, she has a tennis lesson at six, but she can move that around a little–so she might as well spend a few chapters fucking the hero’s brains out before he goes on to finish his next quest.

And because it’s my nature to turn inward wherever I see a problem, I wonder if the average fantasy reader just don’t need no stinkin’ romance.  And I wonder if perhaps it’s time we challenge that notion.

The Book Smugglers is one of my favorite blogs because they do just that, and they brought up a point from a post long ago that I sadly can’t remember the name of.  But the point was clear: a lot of people don’t read stuff like romance because they are taught to fear the feminine.  Sappy, squeaky stuff isn’t supposed to be interesting.  We’re supposed to want blood and death and worldbuilding and politics.  Somewhere along the lines, the gulf between romance and fantasy became canonical.

But I think we’re doing a disservice to ourselves, as readers and writers alike, by not thinking that there must be more.  There must be more going on with these characters.  There must be some attraction to explore beyond “the root of his cock” and “the glisten of her honey.”  As writers, I think we can afford to think on this more.  As readers, we can surely afford to be more open about it.

As a genre, I think we can do this.

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Skybound Sea ARC Giveaway

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Hey, Sam!

Yes, pseudo-representation of a scintillating blend of the common man and my own conscience that I sometimes personify via italic text?  Did you need something?

I was wondering if you were still going to do a Giveaway of Advanced Reader Copies, Otherwise Known as ARCs, of The Skybound Sea!

Thanks for my reminding me, Proasbot Cmamoc!

Yes, it’s time once again to give away some ARCs!

Wow!  Look at them!  We’ve got three to give away and they can be yours!

Assuming you can do me a favor…

What kind of favor?

Well, see, as a man who once was arrested for illegally constructing a Roman colosseum beneath his house and forcing felons to fight to the death, I’m a guy who loves contests.  And since there’s so much demand for ARCs, I thought I’d give the artistic community a chance to shine and get some recognition!

That sounds like fun!  What kind of challenges will we face to win these ARCs?

The categories are, in order…

Yes, writing!  I’ve got tons of creative types out there, some of whom are really great and others who are amazingly funny.  I’d like to give them both a chance to flex their creative muscle!

That sounds interesting!  What do these writerly types have to do?

It’s quite simple.  Just read the following prompt and answer the question.

Nelkath the Netherling has a problem!  It’s invasion time and she has to get a warrior, a prisoner and her flesh-eating sikkhun to the nearby boats so Sheraptus has a sword, cannon fodder and a flesh-eating horror for the invasion.  But she can only take one at a time.  If she takes the prisoner, the sikkhun and warrior will fight.  If she takes the warrior, the sikkhun will eat the prisoner.

How is Nelkath the Netherling going to solve this problem?

Woah, what?  Is this a math question?

Not at all!  Just tell me how Nelkath gets her stuff to the boats.  Take as little or as many words as you need.  There is no right or wrong answer!

Sounds neat!  Where do we send it?

You can use my Contact Form or you can send it to sam.sykes66@gmail.com.

Another judge and myself will decide the winner at the beginning of July!

Okay, so what’s the next category?

I’m glad you asked!

Yes, fan art!  As simple as it sounds!

Just create a piece of original art relating to The Aeons’ Gate series somehow and send it in to me!

Can it be a piece we’ve done before, having been inspired by your brilliance prior to any contest?

Sure!

Can it be in any medium?

Absolutely!  So long as I can show it on the site!

Can it be cosplay?

Well, why not!

Where do we send it to?

You can use this Contact Form here or just send it to sam.sykes66@gmail.com!

Myself and another judge will have the winner by the beginning of July!  Runners-up will receive a copy of Black Halo, signed the dickens out of, because I like art that much!

Gosh, you sure are wise.  But I don’t like writing or art!  Is there any way I can win one of these fine prizes?

Absolutely!  It’s a time-honored tradition in this blog to offer people the ability to compete just by their looks alone!

That sounds kind of shallow!

Not if you know what the last category is…

Make This Face is an exceedingly simple category.

Go to the Lost Pages section of my website here, with visual representation of the characters as portrayed by the fine art of Michael Lee Lunsford!

Choose your favorite picture, character or expression.

Now, do your best imitation of it!

Take a picture of you making that face!

And send it to sam.sykes66@gmail.com!

I will be the sole judge of this one and have a winner by the beginning of July!

But wait!  I am a multi-talented individual!  Can I enter on multiple categories?

I’m going to say that this is probably okay.  I don’t think I can rightfully give out two ARCs to one person, but I’d like to keep it open and encourage people to do their thing.  So sure!

Wow!  Incredible!

I know, right?

I hope you guys have fun with this.  I’m definitely looking forward to your entries!

Skybound Sea ARC Giveaway Read More »

Phoenix Comicon 2012 Wrap-Up: The Spud Stands Tall

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After a full night of recuperation and consuming my body weight in chicken, I am finally up to the task of recounting my adventures at Phoenix Comicon 2012.

In a word, it was amazing.  Picture me saying that while out of breath and suspiciously sweaty and you’ll have a pretty good idea of just how amazing it was.  Highlights included the usual: getting to see all my good friends that I only get to see at cons, selling out 95% of my books that The Poisoned Pen was carrying, making the acquaintance of innumerable scantily-clad young ladies.

But these are all trivialities.  Dandelion heads lost on a breeze.  Beautiful in motion, but hard to appreciate as they drift further and further from view, knowing that I will see them again.  The heart craves something solid, something permanent.

And that’s where this moment came in.  Thursday night wasn’t exceptionally busy and The Poisoned Pen’s booth only had one random browser, a fellow whose name I sadly did not catch.  Never expecting to do much business on a Thursday, I offered a friendly smile and hello.  He didn’t buy my book.  But he had a copy that he had brought for me to sign.

The first time this happened, I was happy.  The second time it happened, with a girl who said she loved roleplaying a character inspired by Kataria, I was elated.  The third, fourth, fifth and sixth time it happened, with the woman who wanted a photo, the little shy boy and girl who wanted me to sign their Kindle, the people who came with books so well-loved they looked like they were about to fall apart, I was delirious.

It was a moment where I realized I didn’t have to put on a huge display to attract people.  It was a moment when I realized the books had been speaking for themselves all this time and that I should shut up and let them do so.  It was a moment when I realized that I no longer had customers, but readers.  Don’t get me wrong, I adore the people that bought Tome of the Undergates and Black Halo and I hope they enjoy their purchases.  But it’s so incredibly awesome to not have to go mad with worry over selling a few books.

And for that, to the people who bought the books, people who brought their books, people who just came by, I thank you.

There was but one bone of contention.  You see, a good friend of mine, John Scalzi, was not in attendance.  According to him, he had some pitiful excuse for not being there this weekend (some wedding or something?  I don’t know).  This will be my third year doing Phoenix Comicon.  Both prior years, John has attended.  I have never been to a PHXCC that did not have John as a guest.

And as far as I am concerned, I never will.

If John could not be there in the flesh, he would be there in effigy.  Enter…

JOHN SPUDZI

Yes, I purchased a Mr. Potato-Head to stand in for John and be my traveling companion throughout the convention.  The likeness is uncanny, no?  John would go on to have the best Comicon of his life!

Join me, friends, for an adventure I’m calling…

John arrives at Comicon and is pleased to see that a line is already forming out the door to receive his signature.  What devoted fans he has!

Armed with his trusty Sharpie, John prepares for the onslaught of fans demanding his autograph.

Unfortunately, people had been misinformed as to his schedule.  As it turns out, no one even knew he was here!

John grows testy…

He reads a fellow author to see what makes them so worthy of praise.  Joe R. Lansdale?  Never heard of ‘im!

Get this out of John’s face!

Perhaps a name tag will help?  John quickly establishes one, hoping to attract fans.

Success!  John attracts several fans, each one clamoring for his attentions and a photograph!

Ladies, please!  Control yourselves!  John is a married man!

John…John feels as though, perhaps, he has enough fans.

No time for that, anyway!  John has many panels to attend!  Here, he commands the respect and attention of his fellow authors: Aprilynne Pike, Weston Ochse and Michael Stackpole as he delivers a stirring speech to the crowd.

Weston is thrilled that John shows an interest in his book, Blood Ocean!  But John’s moods are volatile, at best, and he cannot bear the thought of other authors attracting too much attention.  Surely, he will remain civil, right?

John!  No!

Enough of that nonsense.  John relaxes and lowers his stress levels by celebrating the gift of literacy!

But John’s editorial nature gets the better of him.  With red Sharpie in hand, he goes about making fastidious corrections to his fellow authors’ works.

John justifies his actions, delivering a persuasive argument to Sam Sykes and Greg Van Eekhout, who listen with rapt attentiveness.

He spies new author Kevin Hearne attempting to gather some fans for a signing!

And offers his expert advice on the subject.

A fan catches his attention and requests a photograph!  Who is John to turn away such a devoted reader?

But there’s no time for more, John!  You’ve got another panel to deliver!  See that enthusiastic crowd, hanging on your every word?

Phew!  What a success!

I’d say that calls for a refreshing beverage to unwind with, wouldn’t you agree, John?  Let’s go have a look and see where we can find a nice Coke Zer–

…no.

NO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

John seethes quietly on his table, defeated and dejected.  Who could be so cruel as to stock a convention center solely with Pepsi products?

His faith in humanity dwindles, giving way to darker desires…

These people live cardboard lives in glass houses, treading carefully lest the illusion of civilization be bent and crushed beneath their giant, clomping feet.  They come to mock John and defy his great truths!  John comes to the only possible conclusion…

For mankind, there shall be no dawn.

EXTERMINATE!

The locals plea with John, begging him to stay his wrath and spare their lives, at least until the end of the convention!

Reluctantly, John agrees…but his rage cannot be contained!  Someone must suffer!

John approaches Weston Oches under the guise of peace.  Weston is eager to rekindle relations!

He asks John to watch his water while he goes to talk to a reader.  Surely, you can handle this, can’t you, John?

John!  No!

You disgust me, John.

Words of his deed spreads!  More and more people flock to gape at the legendary John Scalzi!

His reputation spreads so far he is approached by an elite supergroup!

But something seems missing…perhaps John could help?

A challenge looms before John!  Can he, a mere mortal, move the massive might of Mjollnir?

He is found worthy!

Have at thee, Ochse!

But John!  Don’t you know The Avengers are supposed to protect mankind?  You’ll never get in this way!

Sensing his despair, Diana Gabaldon offers him a drink to drown his sorrows in.

John!  No!

Rejected from The Avengers, John begins to despair…

But fear not, John!  You are among friends!

Even Iron Man will forgive you.  Let’s go see the rest of our friends at the con!

After a quick jaunt to the Hijinks Ensue booth to visit his good friend, Joel Watson, John feels a strange sensation coming over him.  Could it be?

Level Up!  GET EQUIPPED WITH: FACIAL HAIR!

But time grows short!  John still has one matter to take care of!  He hears that a good friend of his has come to Phoenix Comicon to say hello.  Braving the many lines, he searches for his chum and, after much searching…

John is reunited with his good friend, Wil Wheaton!  The two share a tender moment of holding hands together as friends before John must be off…

John, when will you learn?

And with that, Phoenix Comicon is a success.  John has once again brought the ever-glowing light of hope that is his shining personality to the dark corners of Phoenix.  But…what of other worlds?  John cannot idly sit by and let them suffer without him, can he?

A new adventure awaits…

 

THE END

Thank you, Lee Whiteside and Phoenix Comicon.  See you next year!

Phoenix Comicon 2012 Wrap-Up: The Spud Stands Tall Read More »

Bilbo’s Got Heart Disease

5 Comments /

What the shit is this?

Two posts?  In two days?  Has Sam Sykes gone mad?  Is he still doing an Ask Me Anything on Reddit Tonight at 8 PM Central?  Is he still at Phoenix Comicon this weekend?  Did he get dropped from Gollancz and he’s just carrying out the motions of being a published author for desperate fear of going mad and going on a violent rampage?

In order: Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  No, but I’d go on a violent rampage usually for fun, anyway.

No, my friends, the reason for this post is simple.  It’s a big day for me.  You may recall from previous posts my attempts to lose weight.  You may note from my twitter feed that I’ve been experiencing generally good success.  And if you’re at all invested in this, the journey of weight loss of a man who leads a largely sedentary lifestyle that may or may not be similar to your own, you might be wondering how it’s all gone down.

Today marks the day we hit my biggest weight goal yet.  With the help of my trainers, Peak Results Fitness and later The Akard Fitness Group, I’ve been able to shed about 70 pounds in one year.  This is tremendously big for me (oho), because it marks something I’ve always wanted to do and have never been able to.  And that’s truly all that really matters about weight loss.  Forget about doing it to look better naked (though there will be some who think you might), forget about doing it for self-esteem (you can have that already), forget about doing it to pick up the ladies (I can already bench the size of most men and women alike), forget about doing it for health…

…well, maybe don’t forget that one.  That one’s kind of important.

Point being, the chief reason to lose weight is if you want to.  And I know a lot of people who have been keeping up with my progress have wanted to and, thusly, have wanted to know what I’ve been doing.

I can’t give you a lot of advice on exercise (I have trainers, after all, and everyone’s situation and intensity levels are different), but one thing I think a lot of readers might want to know is what I’m doing differently nutritionally.  With diet consisting of just as much a part of any good fitness plan (if not more), I thought it might be handy for some people to go into deeper detail on what I do, mentally and physically, for health.

1. Alter Perceptions

I find a lot of people go into the idea of a diet with the same kind of intensity one goes into a Battle of Rourke’s Drift Reenactment with: a lot of gusto and bluster that ultimately leaves you fatigued and feeling a little silly.  People, I think, tend to view diets as an all-or-nothing situation in which there are only mountains of salads, minecarts full of artichoke hearts and if you eat something you actually like, you have committed a grave sin against Atkins-san and must commit ritual seppukku immediately.

As a result, a lot of people either go hard into diets and then burn out or just don’t bother in the first place.

Would it surprise you to know that I didn’t change a whole lot for my diet?  I still eat foods I like (though I prioritize them, as I will discuss later).  I’ve come to appreciate foods I didn’t like before.  I’ve never sat down and forced myself to eat something I found totally disgusting.

The attitude to carry into such an endeavor should be one of openness.  Go into it with the mindset that you may change things a little, that you may try stuff you wouldn’t normally, that your meal routine isn’t set in stone.  An all-or-nothing mindset is a closed mindset and a closed mindset will almost always end in failure, since there’s only one way to succeed.  Chances are, if you’re not doing that already, you’re not going to.

So remember: be gentle with yourself, but compromise.

2. Alter Priorities

In the same vein as avoiding all-or-nothing situations, it helps to be able to be easy with your current diet.  Look to what you currently eat and start making adjustments there.  Try identifying the most unhealthy things you can, the things that can’t possibly be justified as anything other than a real treat for you.  These might include pizzas, hamburgers, that sort of thing.  Identify them as treats and then treat them as such.

Make a pact with yourself that you’re going to eat them only when you feel you deserve it.  Sometimes we have bad days and need comfort foods.  Sometimes we have good days and want to reward ourselves.  Sometimes we just need it (some times).  If you try to deny yourself too many treats, you’ll eventually go nuts and binge.  A much more successful method is to dole them out to yourself in moderation.  Limit your treat to one or two slices if you get pizza, for example.

The more you do this, the less you’ll crave the real bad stuff and the more you’ll crave alternatives, which we’ll get into down here.

3. The Bearable Alternatives

It’s important to eat.  Starving yourself will slow down your metabolism and make you miserable.  Eating frequently keeps the giant, raging furnace that is your metabolism burning at all times.  Every two to three hours, you should be eating something.  Mostly high in protein, if you can help it.

You may have to train yourself to do this.  For a lack of a better descriptor, a “nerdy lifestyle” like the one I lead can sometimes lead to me focusing intensely on one thing for hours at a time (such as video games, reading…or, you know, my job) and forgetting everything else.  If you’ve been doing this for awhile, your metabolism will have adjusted to it.  You’ll find it hard (at first) to eat every three hours because you won’t feel hungry.

The good news is that changes really quickly.  The more you eat, the hungrier you get, as weird as that sounds.  And the hungrier you get, the faster that furnace is burning through stuff.

Lately, I’ve taken to buying a package of ground turkey at the store, grilling that up in some light olive oil, taco seasoning and cholula sauce and eating that.  Turkey is a pretty bland meat by itself, so it seasons very well.  If you’re a fan of eggs, egg whites are a very good protein source.  I also like keeping carrots around, for general snacking.  Lighter soups can be good for heartier things, as well.

Basically, aim for protein and aim often.

4. Replace What You Can

I used to love white rice.  I ate it nearly every time I could.  It’s fairly carb-heavy, though, so I began to adjust to a life of brown rice.  Now, white rice feels like it sticks to my insides while brown rice goes down smooth.  Apply that to a lot of what you do.  See what you can get that’s similar to what you already eat, but lower in carbohydrates, lower in fat or lower in sodium.

I’ve heard some people completely cut bread out of their lives.  That’s amazing for them, but it’s not something I can do personally.  I love bread too much.  But I don’t miss white bread at all.  It tastes nasty and artificial to me.

While it might be tough at first, I find the compromise of lower-replacements to be something that you quickly get used to.  And once you’re used to it, you have a harder time going back to the less healthy stuff.

5. Drinkers Beware

Probably my biggest weakness is drinking.  I love it.  I love the taste of alcohol, I love going to parties, I love wine, I love socializing at wine events, some people will even tell you I enjoy being drunk.  These people are probably remembering the time I broke wind near them and laughed.  Don’t be misled.  I would have done that, anyway.

The problem is that drinking tends to add a lot of water weight and, if you go in for fancier stuff, calories and carbohydrates.  So, approach it the same way you can approach anything else under this method: identify, treat and replace.

Identify what your goal is.  If you’re just having one drink, then you might be able to splurge a little and have, say, a heavier beer.  But be honest with yourself: if it’s not going to be one beer and you know it isn’t, switch to something lighter.

Treat yourself.  Now and again, you might want a fancy cocktail or a nice glass of wine.  You can have those, but do make sure you’re in a good spot to enjoy them.  Blowing $100 on a bottle of wine when you’re too shitfaced to enjoy it is actually pretty embarrassing the next morning.

Replace your standard fare.  I’ve actually adopted the official drink of Myke Cole, fellow author and noted fitness nut, of vodka and soda water as my going-on drink.  It’s pretty low-impact and can get the job of having something to sip done proper.  Light beer, rum and diet coke, lighter wines will also do the job nicely.

Just be aware of your situation and act accordingly.

6. Forgive Yourself

Sometimes, you may screw up and eat more than you wanted to.  Sometimes, you’ll gain a few pounds.  It’s important not to beat yourself up over it, because then you’ll likely go nuts and burn out.  But it’s just as important to remind yourself that you can get back on the horse at any time, but you have to get on it.  If you go through a bad night, your next reaction should be to get up and say: “Okay, that didn’t go so well.  Now we try again.”

That’s pretty much my entire plan so far.  It’s worked well for me.  I hope it provides some help for you!

Hope to see you guys at Reddit tomorrow!

Bilbo’s Got Heart Disease Read More »

Updates for Ungulates

I don’t actually know any ungulates.  Nor do I know how one would even get here, what with their tremendous, clomping hooves.  They’d be all like, “how do i work the keyboard” and I’d be all like “‘I’ should be capitalized” and they’d be all, “man, you know i aint one for punctuation, imma goddamn wildebeest ps did i show you this youtube of this cat.”

So, anyway, I guess these updates are purely for your benefit.  I hope you can enjoy some or all of them.

On Tuesday, May 22nd, 8 PM Central Time, I will be participating in an Ask Me Anything on Fantasy Reddit!

It’d mean a lot to me if some of you guys could come and see me.  I’m terrified I won’t get any questions aside from: “Where is the bathroom.”  The answer to that is I do not know.  Unless you are one of my neighbors or LeVar Burton, I have not been in your house.  Just follow that link up above at the appointed time and I will be there.

For you.

ARCs of The Skybound Sea are here!

How’s that look?  Pretty nice, huh?

For those of you that simply can’t wait, we’ll be giving out at least three of these ARCs for a contest starting next week, one for each of   Subjects will include creative writing, fan art and your best impression of wildlife.

This, I hope, will be starting next week!  I hope you can participate!

I will be at Phoenix Comicon This Weekend!

Yes!  My schedule is also up there!  Humor!  Action!  Epic fantasy!  Holy shit!

When not there, I will be at my little booth near the Mysterious Galaxy table.  Hope you’ll come by!

John Scalzi will also be at Comicon!

…well, that’s technically a lie.  But the best kind of lie, I feel, since it in fact, is also kind of true.  John Scalzi will not actually be at Comicon, as he has been for the whole time I’ve been there.  Unfortunately, I choose not to accept this.  Without John Scalzi, there is no Comicon for me.  Hence, I feel the desperate urge to replace him in effigy.

Thus, for this weekend, the role of John Scalzi will be played by this Mister Potato-Head.

Unfortunately, John won’t be signing anything.  Nor will John be on any panels.  Nor will John be speaking at all, having undertaken a vow of silence for the weekend.

Please do come by and see John and I, though.  We’ll be having a blast!

THAT IS IT.  THAT IS ALL THE NEWS.  EVER.

Updates for Ungulates Read More »

News For Nobodies

3 Comments /

Hello, friends.  Just some brief pieces of catching up to make here, news what you might be able to use and all that.

ARCs for The Skybound Sea have been produced!

We will be running a contest for them, soon!  Do you like writing?  Do you like drawing?  Can you make a funny face?  These are the skills that I will be testing people for to determine their worthiness for these coveted pieces of construction.

Are you a blogger or reviewer that would like an ARC of The Skybound Sea for review?

Shoot me an email and I’ll see what I can do!  I can probably only swing US reviewers right now, though, but my British bros will get their benevolence, I swear.

Phoenix Comicon 2012 is coming and I will be attending!

If you don’t come and visit me, I will kill this kitten.

My birthday is this Friday, May 11th!

If you don’t give me birthday wishes, I will kill this puppy.

I am going to play Diablo 3 soon!

If it’s not good, I will kill this manatee.

Protip: I will probably kill the manatee, anyway.

The manatee is a bullshit animal and I hate them.

News For Nobodies Read More »

Awkward and Ugly

4 Comments /

A question that comes up with unsurprising regularity has once again arisen in my inbox, like a recurring rash whose ensuing itch I do so love to scratch.  With apologies to the sender of this email, I’d like to post it here.

Dear Mr. Sykes,

I am a rookie Fantasy author from Arizona and am just about to complete my first novel in my planned series.

Considering that not to long ago you to were an unpublished fantasy author who lived in Arizona i was wondering if you would care to explain how you ended up getting ”Tome of the Undergates” published and any other advice you might like to give.

I would greatly appreciate any help you could give me. Becoming a writer has been a dream of mine for a long time and now i’m ready to put my stories out there.

I’d be delighted to give you advice, my friend!  And truthfully, I’d answer these kind of questions more often if it weren’t so darned hard to do so.  See, asking “how do you write,” “how did you get published,” “how do you make it big in this crazy world of publishing” is a little like asking “how should I go through puberty?”  It’s a very strange question to hear and one is never quite certain how to answer it, because, like puberty, getting one’s written word published is a different experience for everyone and to most of us, it’s a whirlwind blur of memories great and terrible that we can’t really recollect but we’re sure we got lucky at least once during.

But, that we may both be more helpful and put this terrible analogy to rest, I’d like to provide some actual answers that you can probably use.  These are the base answers, the ones that you should always return to, for they are the only ones that are provably correct and common to all published authors.

1. Write.

In fact, that’s basically the only way to get published.  At a glance, that might seem just as unhelpful as my previous allegory, but I think it’s probably the last thing on anybody’s mind when it comes to getting published.  I suspect there are a myriad of theories flying around out there as to how it happens: connections, inside bribes, pacts with Satan, what have you (connections are nice, bribes are rare and pacts with Satan are done purely for one’s own pleasure, but they’re not necessary to getting published).  But it’s always going to come down to that.

The best way to get published is to write a story that you love.  If you can write a story that you love that other people also love, that’s fantastic, but it’s also out of your control.  If you can write a story that you love that is also excellent, that’s much better, but that comes with time and practice.  Popularity is something that will come to you, in time.  Craft is something that you will learn with practice (and sometimes many rejections).  Joy cannot be learned.  Joy cannot be trained. But joy is essential to every book and when it’s lacking, it’s obvious to everyone.  Reader, publisher, writer; to anyone, there is no such thing as a good book that is joyless.

By “joy,” I don’t necessarily mean that you need to have buttercups and primroses and leprechauns making out on a stump (if you do, you might enrage some political groups and that would be good publicity; keep it in mind).  But you do have to love what you’re writing, even if you’re writing a bunch of bastards figuring out the best way to hawk a stolen kidney.  When a writer has no love for what he’s doing, when it’s obvious he’s just going through the motions, it’s obvious.  And it’s depressing.  And nobody wants to read it or publish it.

Don’t go through the motions at all, if you can help it.  And certainly don’t go through it before you have to.  Don’t worry about who will love your book, if you’re cornering the 16-year-old unwed Hawaiian mother demographic, if your book provides enough appeal for your average subway worker.  Write what you love and the audience will love it, too.

2. Every Problem You Have Will be Solved by Writing.

Writer’s blocks are overcome by writing.  Writing forces the muse to return to you.  Persistence begets improvement, inevitably.  Every wall can be broken down, given enough headbutts.

When you are rejected by publishers, you should immediately get back to considering what you can do better and then writing it.  When you are rejected by critics, you should immediately weigh their criticism and then go back to writing.  If you are rejected by readers, you should swallow back shame and start again on the next story.

Your first, last, immediate and only response to troubles about writing should be to go back and write some more.  You can’t help but get better at it as you go and you can’t get better if you don’t keep doing it.

Sometimes, it will most definitely feel like trying to climb Everest with a stepladder.  Sometimes, it will feel like fighting a group of kindergarteners.  The response is always the same.

3. Writing is Work.

Work is hard.  Sometimes you don’t want to do it.  You do it, anyway.

These are the only rules there are to getting published.  Anything else is equal parts circumstance and opportunity.  Basically, the best way to get published is to write something that people would want to publish.  Which means writing something.  Which means writing something that you love.  Which means writing something that you love, all the time, even if you don’t feel like it and it’s exhausting and stressful.

This may seem useless to you, of course.  This may seem like saying the best way to be recruited into the Major Leagues of Baseball (do they have leagues?  Or is back to regiments?) is to be good at baseball.  Well, yeah.  How do you get good at baseball?  You do it a lot.

The only bad news I have for you is this.  If this post struck you as helpful, as eye-opening, as inspiring, as earth-shattering, that’s not the best place to be.  That is, if you’re just now realizing that you need to write to be a writer, that’s…well, get to it, anyway.

The good news is that if you found this post to be unhelpful, that if you already knew all of this, that if you’re glaring angrily at your computer screen and saying “well, duh!”  Congratulations!  You’re well on your way!

How will it go for you from there?  I have no clue.  You just keep going and get a little better at it each day until you finally get to a point where you’re happy enough to try.

Like puberty.

Awkward and Ugly Read More »

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